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Family exercises
These exercises are designed for parents or caregivers to use with their families. While aimed mostly at managing anxiety, the exercises are also designed to build emotional intelligence in your family. They are more than a set of techniques, but rather an attempt to change the culture of talking and managing feelings, so that this becomes more comfortable in your family. As with any new thing, it will go better if a trusted adult leads this process for the children. And remember that this is your family; you should choose what to focus on and what to leave behind. Having said that, however, the exercises may bring up challenging ideas or new conversations in your family. Try to be brave about this and don’t shut these conversations down; explore new territory with the hope that it will help your family deal with their feelings in a better and more collaborative way. The exercises are designed to be done as a family, but will work with most configurations. You might also like to try some of them with your partner, or with other adults who are part of your family. How to use these exercises Choose someone to read these notes to you all, or share it around, but make sure there is an adult in charge. Write your answers in the book, or use your own paper if you prefer. Some exercises require you to use a large bit of paper, or to have your own private notes. Be prepared for these beforehand. Most exercises can stand on their own, though there is some order to them, so that you can work through them for best effect or just choose the ones you want to do. The last section is to help embed the changes that you have made, so it needs to be paired with other exercises. There are suggested timeframes on each exercise. As a family you might like to make regular times that you do these – maybe weekly, or you might like to be flexible and dip into them as it suits you. |
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Magical thinking, mind reading, catastrophising, dominant vs subjugated stories and avoidance
The ideas below, with the supporting videos, may help in understanding some of the psychological issues that come up when you are working with your children. It is important that, when you consider the ideas, you realise that children do not work as individuals, but in a system – that is, as part of a system with their family or their friends and their class. We cannot expect children to change by themselves. They need help to understand their worries and to understand how they might change. Then, they need adults to guide the change and help them to be consistent with it. Further, they often need the adults in their lives to change as well. Some of these ideas may apply equally to you as to your children.
Magical thinking and Mind reading
Many children believe in things that we as adults would not. For instance, if there is a noise from under the bed at night, children are more likely to think that there is a monster there. Or they might think that, because something bad happened last time they did a particular thing, they shouldn’t do that thing again. We call this ‘magical thinking’. The term covers a multitude of things and of course adults do it too, for instance, avoiding walking under ladders, or counting up to 10 and expecting a parking space to become free.
Ari worries that his teacher can read his mind and see all his secrets. He avoids meeting her gaze and has to change his behaviour so that she doesn’t challenge him. He has a belief that she can see into his mind and know his thoughts. As children learn empathy and develop an ability to distinguish themselves as separate to others, they are more able to resist this mind-reading mistake
The ideas below, with the supporting videos, may help in understanding some of the psychological issues that come up when you are working with your children. It is important that, when you consider the ideas, you realise that children do not work as individuals, but in a system – that is, as part of a system with their family or their friends and their class. We cannot expect children to change by themselves. They need help to understand their worries and to understand how they might change. Then, they need adults to guide the change and help them to be consistent with it. Further, they often need the adults in their lives to change as well. Some of these ideas may apply equally to you as to your children.
Magical thinking and Mind reading
Many children believe in things that we as adults would not. For instance, if there is a noise from under the bed at night, children are more likely to think that there is a monster there. Or they might think that, because something bad happened last time they did a particular thing, they shouldn’t do that thing again. We call this ‘magical thinking’. The term covers a multitude of things and of course adults do it too, for instance, avoiding walking under ladders, or counting up to 10 and expecting a parking space to become free.
Ari worries that his teacher can read his mind and see all his secrets. He avoids meeting her gaze and has to change his behaviour so that she doesn’t challenge him. He has a belief that she can see into his mind and know his thoughts. As children learn empathy and develop an ability to distinguish themselves as separate to others, they are more able to resist this mind-reading mistake
Catastrophising
When we have any kind of thought, we can respond to it in different ways. For example, you might be thinking about going to a wildlife park on your birthday with your best friend. You feel excited about this because you want to get to the lion cage and see those big cats close up. But your friend says that he is afraid to come because the lion might reach through the cage and get him. These are two different responses to the same situation. One of them is an example of catastrophising.
Ari makes a catastrophe out of not being able to spell “Theodore Street”. It links to his belief that his trouble with reading, writing and spelling means that he is stupid and he makes this an even bigger catastrophe by thinking his family will be angry about it. That means he can’t talk to anyone he trusts about his problems, and he has to find ways to hide them. This in turn leads to the situation with the boat, and nearly drowning: a real catastrophe.
Managing catastrophising requires a calm head. Using clear, logical thinking is one way. Testing the logic of thoughts by comparing them to other people’s experiences can be helpful. For instance: “Has anyone else I know ever been bitten by a lion at that park? What kind of precautions do they take to stop the lions getting people?” Or: “Do other people have trouble with spelling? Do my parents often get angry with me when I am having trouble with something?”
When we have any kind of thought, we can respond to it in different ways. For example, you might be thinking about going to a wildlife park on your birthday with your best friend. You feel excited about this because you want to get to the lion cage and see those big cats close up. But your friend says that he is afraid to come because the lion might reach through the cage and get him. These are two different responses to the same situation. One of them is an example of catastrophising.
Ari makes a catastrophe out of not being able to spell “Theodore Street”. It links to his belief that his trouble with reading, writing and spelling means that he is stupid and he makes this an even bigger catastrophe by thinking his family will be angry about it. That means he can’t talk to anyone he trusts about his problems, and he has to find ways to hide them. This in turn leads to the situation with the boat, and nearly drowning: a real catastrophe.
Managing catastrophising requires a calm head. Using clear, logical thinking is one way. Testing the logic of thoughts by comparing them to other people’s experiences can be helpful. For instance: “Has anyone else I know ever been bitten by a lion at that park? What kind of precautions do they take to stop the lions getting people?” Or: “Do other people have trouble with spelling? Do my parents often get angry with me when I am having trouble with something?”
Dominant vs subjugated stories
As we experience events in our lives, we interpret them according to our own set of beliefs. The same event happening to two different people can be interpreted in opposite ways. One reason for this is that we have each internalised “stories” about ourselves that we fit our experiences into. For example, if we are used to being told and responded to as if we are an academic failure, a one-off experience of succeeding will be “subjugated” or minimised by our pre-dominant story (of being a failure) and interpreted as a fluke. Our dominant story will dominate when we interpret events. If we want to reinvent ourselves, or develop a new dominant story, we must pay attention to our subjugated stories – those which we dismiss easily because they do not fit into our current way of thinking about ourselves. An example of this could be: Sarah was always a little scared of using the telephone as she couldn’t see the reactions of the person she was speaking to. She called herself shy and developed a story about not wanting to upset people if she had to be direct in a conversation. This meant that she would get other people to make calls for her about difficult issues. It also meant that she found it difficult to face conflict in business situations. When she considered that this could be a dominant story that was making life difficult for her, she began to experiment with making phone calls herself. She decided she could experiment with being a “brave” person and someone who could discuss difficult issues well. This decision led to her making some phone calls that she wouldn’t have made before, and managing them. This in turn meant that she had some evidence for herself that she could manage difficult situations and she could make phone calls. Her dominant story was then challenged and changed.
Ari has a dominant story that influences him in many spheres of his life. He finds it difficult to see any other stories about himself as true.
Just thinking about this concept may encourage you to identify some of the dominant stories that you or people in your family live by. The key idea here is that we do not have to be defined by these things, we may challenge them and thereby change our story. They are simply ideas that have taken root and grown branches.
Avoidance
Avoidance is one of the major factors that feeds anxiety. Whenever we face something scary or something that makes us nervous, one of our choices is to walk away – to avoid it. This is like self-sabotage: it means that we don’t do the job interview, or make the new friend, all because of the scary feeling that we have on the inside. We let the fear take control. In order to get rid of the fear, we avoid the situation. The next time we come across a similar situation we are more likely to avoid it again, thereby developing a pattern of avoidance. Ari is caught in an avoidance trap. He is desperately trying to avoid his teacher and family finding out how difficult reading and writing is for him. This leads to all sorts of avoidance behaviours, and eventually to a life-threatening situation.
Identifying what we do when we are scared can mean that we give ourselves choices about how we behave in these situations. Avoidance is a choice, but there are other choices too. You might like to think about the times people in your family avoid things and examine whether avoidance has become a way to cope with the world. Beginning to face your fears with support will mean that they decrease in intensity.
As we experience events in our lives, we interpret them according to our own set of beliefs. The same event happening to two different people can be interpreted in opposite ways. One reason for this is that we have each internalised “stories” about ourselves that we fit our experiences into. For example, if we are used to being told and responded to as if we are an academic failure, a one-off experience of succeeding will be “subjugated” or minimised by our pre-dominant story (of being a failure) and interpreted as a fluke. Our dominant story will dominate when we interpret events. If we want to reinvent ourselves, or develop a new dominant story, we must pay attention to our subjugated stories – those which we dismiss easily because they do not fit into our current way of thinking about ourselves. An example of this could be: Sarah was always a little scared of using the telephone as she couldn’t see the reactions of the person she was speaking to. She called herself shy and developed a story about not wanting to upset people if she had to be direct in a conversation. This meant that she would get other people to make calls for her about difficult issues. It also meant that she found it difficult to face conflict in business situations. When she considered that this could be a dominant story that was making life difficult for her, she began to experiment with making phone calls herself. She decided she could experiment with being a “brave” person and someone who could discuss difficult issues well. This decision led to her making some phone calls that she wouldn’t have made before, and managing them. This in turn meant that she had some evidence for herself that she could manage difficult situations and she could make phone calls. Her dominant story was then challenged and changed.
Ari has a dominant story that influences him in many spheres of his life. He finds it difficult to see any other stories about himself as true.
Just thinking about this concept may encourage you to identify some of the dominant stories that you or people in your family live by. The key idea here is that we do not have to be defined by these things, we may challenge them and thereby change our story. They are simply ideas that have taken root and grown branches.
Avoidance
Avoidance is one of the major factors that feeds anxiety. Whenever we face something scary or something that makes us nervous, one of our choices is to walk away – to avoid it. This is like self-sabotage: it means that we don’t do the job interview, or make the new friend, all because of the scary feeling that we have on the inside. We let the fear take control. In order to get rid of the fear, we avoid the situation. The next time we come across a similar situation we are more likely to avoid it again, thereby developing a pattern of avoidance. Ari is caught in an avoidance trap. He is desperately trying to avoid his teacher and family finding out how difficult reading and writing is for him. This leads to all sorts of avoidance behaviours, and eventually to a life-threatening situation.
Identifying what we do when we are scared can mean that we give ourselves choices about how we behave in these situations. Avoidance is a choice, but there are other choices too. You might like to think about the times people in your family avoid things and examine whether avoidance has become a way to cope with the world. Beginning to face your fears with support will mean that they decrease in intensity.
Research Collaboration Opportunity For Canterbury Schools and Families
We need you to be a collaborator with us on the Rising Tide project.
As the book’s intention is to increase emotional resilience, Massey is going to research whether this actually happens. As a teacher or a parent collaborator, all you would need to do is go online and fill out a ‘baseline’ questionnaire about your class or child's behaviour now, and then after using the resource with your family or class, go back online and complete the survey again. We would hope to show a difference in behaviour due to the use of the resource.
This is a way for Cantabrians to contribute to disaster recovery research.With the many natural disasters that seem to be occurring in our nation, this research may inform how agencies and the government work with families and schools in future situations. Please sign up by emailing the research team (Benita Stiles-Smith) at [email protected]
We need you to be a collaborator with us on the Rising Tide project.
As the book’s intention is to increase emotional resilience, Massey is going to research whether this actually happens. As a teacher or a parent collaborator, all you would need to do is go online and fill out a ‘baseline’ questionnaire about your class or child's behaviour now, and then after using the resource with your family or class, go back online and complete the survey again. We would hope to show a difference in behaviour due to the use of the resource.
This is a way for Cantabrians to contribute to disaster recovery research.With the many natural disasters that seem to be occurring in our nation, this research may inform how agencies and the government work with families and schools in future situations. Please sign up by emailing the research team (Benita Stiles-Smith) at [email protected]
There are many symptoms of anxiety. Most people recognise the classic symptoms; worry, fear of things like spiders/dogs/the dark, or for small children, separation from parents or caregivers. But, there are a variety of ways that anxiety is experienced that are not so recognisable. An example of this is when you are worried, you will find it difficult to concentrate or focus on a task. Children may find it difficult to learn new things, or to remember things they have previously learnt. Adults and children experiencing anxiety may seem rude, or dismissive.
Anxiety is often part of family relationships, rather than just a problem for one member of the family. Sometimes though, one family member seems to express their anxiety more than others- either in behaviours or in words. Often, a child is responding to anxiety felt by everyone, not necessarily anxiety that begins with them. For example, you may be worried about leaving your child at school, and you express that in your irritability in the morning and your prolonged cuddle at the school gate. The child will feel this and may respond in kind - reinforcing your thoughts that they are anxious about leaving you too.
A vicious cycle can then develop – and it may not be obvious what triggered the anxious feelings you experienced that day. It may have been concern for an extended family member, a distressing item you heard on the news or work stress for your partner, or perhaps you can’t isolate just one thing.
Addressing anxiety as a family will have a better result for your children than addressing it in one person. Even if your child is the carrier of the anxiety, research shows us that families working with children to manage these symptoms is a lot more effective than the child doing this alone. Looking at anxiety as a family benefits all the members, and best supports the person that needs the most help.
We have a list of agencies here to go to for assistance, but if you are very concerned about your family after reading this checklist through, your first port of call should be your GP.
Assessment of Anxiety
This checklist of symptoms will give you an idea of the extent of anxiety in your family and where it sits (adults/children). Take a note of your answers as you go through each question, so you can do the checklist again at a later date and compare the results.
Worry in the family
Anxiety or worry is present in my family, (how much of the time? and to what extent?)
Mostly the children are worried (tick if correct)
Mostly the adults are worried (tick if correct)
Someone in my family is scared of something specific (Tick which ones and think about how much it affects the person and the family)
the dark
dogs
spiders
public spaces
confined spaces
something else specific
General worries
Someone in my family is scared of something general (if yes, tick which ones and think about how much this affects them and the family)
uncontrollable events
something that is not real
possible risks
generally everything
change
Separation worries Someone in my family is scared of being separated; (think about to what extent the following is true)
The children don’t like to be separate from the adults
The adults in the family don’t like to leave the children anywhere/anywhere new/with friends
The adults don’t allow the children to take risks in ways that we would have prior to the earthquakes
The children won’t go to specific places in the house alone, or outside
“Be careful” worries
We are worried about potential risks; (think about to what extent you are worried and how this has changed your behaviour) - here are some examples
We are often on the look-out for danger
The children often warn us about potential problems
We say “Be careful” often/more than we used to
The children need constant reassurance or attention;
We have changed our lives to keep the children safer, e.g. by curbing independence, by talking more about risk, about always knowing where they are; by giving in more often when we would usually hold our ground, by being more empathic, by allowing children to stay home from school more, by listening more to their worries.
Family climate
Our family emotional climate has changed (how much has it changed? How much resistance would there be to change back? Here are some examples of how it may have changed)
We have changed our family routines, e.g. sleep, eating, toileting
Our style of parenting has changed
We drink more
We smoke more
We argue more
We cry more
We sleep less
We are more irritable/angry
Physical symptoms of anxiety (Think about the extent that family members feel the following)
We have these physical symptoms of anxiety
nausea
sleeplessness
lack of concentration
panic attacks
heart racing
sweating
clumsiness
tummy aches
headaches
fainting
Other symptoms
We have these symptoms too
Checking things,
counting things
washing hands/things
not stepping on cracks
touching things in certain ways
Other things I would like to remember about my family and anxiety at this time (Write them here)
Strengths that our family has (Write them here)
Remember, this is a guide only, not a validated assessment tool.
If you complete this checklist and are very concerned at your answers, please contact your GP and ask for help understanding this. They will be able to refer you to an appropriate service.
You may also like to go to the Massey research site to do a validated assessment tool www.massey.ac.nz/worrybug. You will be able to complete the tool before using the Worry Bug resource, and two times afterwards, giving you an idea about the changes in your family.
Anxiety is often part of family relationships, rather than just a problem for one member of the family. Sometimes though, one family member seems to express their anxiety more than others- either in behaviours or in words. Often, a child is responding to anxiety felt by everyone, not necessarily anxiety that begins with them. For example, you may be worried about leaving your child at school, and you express that in your irritability in the morning and your prolonged cuddle at the school gate. The child will feel this and may respond in kind - reinforcing your thoughts that they are anxious about leaving you too.
A vicious cycle can then develop – and it may not be obvious what triggered the anxious feelings you experienced that day. It may have been concern for an extended family member, a distressing item you heard on the news or work stress for your partner, or perhaps you can’t isolate just one thing.
Addressing anxiety as a family will have a better result for your children than addressing it in one person. Even if your child is the carrier of the anxiety, research shows us that families working with children to manage these symptoms is a lot more effective than the child doing this alone. Looking at anxiety as a family benefits all the members, and best supports the person that needs the most help.
We have a list of agencies here to go to for assistance, but if you are very concerned about your family after reading this checklist through, your first port of call should be your GP.
Assessment of Anxiety
This checklist of symptoms will give you an idea of the extent of anxiety in your family and where it sits (adults/children). Take a note of your answers as you go through each question, so you can do the checklist again at a later date and compare the results.
Worry in the family
Anxiety or worry is present in my family, (how much of the time? and to what extent?)
Mostly the children are worried (tick if correct)
Mostly the adults are worried (tick if correct)
Someone in my family is scared of something specific (Tick which ones and think about how much it affects the person and the family)
the dark
dogs
spiders
public spaces
confined spaces
something else specific
General worries
Someone in my family is scared of something general (if yes, tick which ones and think about how much this affects them and the family)
uncontrollable events
something that is not real
possible risks
generally everything
change
Separation worries Someone in my family is scared of being separated; (think about to what extent the following is true)
The children don’t like to be separate from the adults
The adults in the family don’t like to leave the children anywhere/anywhere new/with friends
The adults don’t allow the children to take risks in ways that we would have prior to the earthquakes
The children won’t go to specific places in the house alone, or outside
“Be careful” worries
We are worried about potential risks; (think about to what extent you are worried and how this has changed your behaviour) - here are some examples
We are often on the look-out for danger
The children often warn us about potential problems
We say “Be careful” often/more than we used to
The children need constant reassurance or attention;
We have changed our lives to keep the children safer, e.g. by curbing independence, by talking more about risk, about always knowing where they are; by giving in more often when we would usually hold our ground, by being more empathic, by allowing children to stay home from school more, by listening more to their worries.
Family climate
Our family emotional climate has changed (how much has it changed? How much resistance would there be to change back? Here are some examples of how it may have changed)
We have changed our family routines, e.g. sleep, eating, toileting
Our style of parenting has changed
We drink more
We smoke more
We argue more
We cry more
We sleep less
We are more irritable/angry
Physical symptoms of anxiety (Think about the extent that family members feel the following)
We have these physical symptoms of anxiety
nausea
sleeplessness
lack of concentration
panic attacks
heart racing
sweating
clumsiness
tummy aches
headaches
fainting
Other symptoms
We have these symptoms too
Checking things,
counting things
washing hands/things
not stepping on cracks
touching things in certain ways
Other things I would like to remember about my family and anxiety at this time (Write them here)
Strengths that our family has (Write them here)
Remember, this is a guide only, not a validated assessment tool.
If you complete this checklist and are very concerned at your answers, please contact your GP and ask for help understanding this. They will be able to refer you to an appropriate service.
You may also like to go to the Massey research site to do a validated assessment tool www.massey.ac.nz/worrybug. You will be able to complete the tool before using the Worry Bug resource, and two times afterwards, giving you an idea about the changes in your family.